Sinner please...

My dear sinners,
If you are reading these words, then you are definitely not in heaven. As a matter of fact, you are probably a lot closer to hell, so if you were expecting that your deity of choice would come down from heaven and drag you up there because you made all those tax free contributions to the local church. then:
1) Joke is on you.
2) (Insert your God's name) doesn't think you are special. Sorry!

I am going to try and keep this post fairly short, because I have so much fodder here to write that I could seriously write until the real Rapture happens, which is of course going to happen on May 21st, 2012. I know it because a jellybean that looked like Jesus's right foot was sitting on that day on my calendar, hence I know that God was whispering to me the day when all those who were pious and merciful and donated heavily will go to heaven and party with him. And seriously, if he can turn water to wine, then I want to party with him.

All jokes aside though, I wish some sort of rapture had happen and all the "believers" had left to heaven or hell or even New Jersey, which is hell anyways. This will come out as harsh but hey, I'm a caveman... If you truly believe that the end is coming because some obscure jackass figured out that May 21st will be the doomsday of mankind, out of some equation from the bible... then I don't want you around my rapture-less friend. In order that to believe such a crazy proposition, life and all its complications, shades of grey, and moral conundrums are just too much for you. The shoe doesn't fit, if you will. And that, ladies and cavemen is what the real problem is. When life is just too much for you, and mind you, this encompasses social, economic, morale and whatnot kind of issues, then its when a moron like Harold Camping can do some real damage.

And here is the kicker my fellow wrongdoers... Mr Camping instead of saving face and calling a spade a spade, "Ladies and Gents, I am sorry but I fucked up, I got no clue what Jesus is planning and I pulled that doomsday date out my apocalyptic ass". And yet, like every other clown out there he tries to come out on top, saying that Rapture actually did happen, but in a spiritual way... Yeah, OK buddy. Hey, not it's fine! Let's try best out of three! Oh no, wait... this is your second chance. Well, errr... third one is the charm?

And to add insult to ends-of-days injury, the parent company, Family Radio, asked for an extension past Rapture to pay back its taxes... in case your brains have exploded, then please take a moment to pick them up. In case your brain didn't explode, then your tolerance for hypocrisy and lack of moral accountability is outstanding, borderline nonsensical. Keep in mind that all this apocalypse fiasco has been commented by a post-apocalypse caveman... so what I have in stake here is pretty damn big. I had a chance to own premium blogspot property!

So what should you in these days of troubled times and non-accurate predictions of mankind extinction? Well its easy all you need to do is... wait hold on, someone is knocking on my door...
...
...
...
Sorry guys, it's Jesus. Apparently Rapture IS happening. And I got a golden ticket!!! So, to all you heathens, burn in hell!!!! And please keep visiting this blog after I get to heaven.

About men and dice...

My dear readers,
I usually (that's right... 3 posts and I already wield the word usually) write about the happenings of US politics (2012 Republican candidates I'm looking at you...) and today won't be the difference. In actuality, this is the 3rd time I've tried to write this piece (or peace? or peas?) but the gods conspired to keep me from hitting the "publish post" button. So if you have been hyperventilating and panting while wondering why the caveman has not spoken for such a long period of time, well then, pant no more! The caveman, once again strikes again, whirling his mace of wit and sarcasm.

So Donald Trump, the beacon of hope for toupee wearers, heard the fat lady sing and after gracefully bowing out, he now has been relegated to the elephant graveyard of republican presidential runner-ups... the private sector. The Donald, who claimed that he was the bullseye for every joke made by Obama and Seth Meyers at the Correspondents Dinner due to his high poll numbers, realized that either the polls came from the same office that told Bush that there were WMD's in Irak or that his numbers came down so fast that he should've erupted in immediate combustion due to air friction. Let me quote it, straight from his mouth, yeah, that hole with teeth a couple of inches below that golden faux-mane he carries on top of his head.

"Well, I really understood what I was getting into — I didn't know that I'd be virtually the sole focus," Trump said. "I guess when you're leading in the polls that sort of thing tends to happen. But I was certainly in a certain way having a good time listening. I don't think the American people are having a good time with $5 gas. ... I was thinking to myself as they were doing this, you know, the American people are really suffering and we're all" having fun at a gala. "

You sir, are a true social warrior. I bet you do worry about $5 gas while you have fun in your life. And I'll bet all the money I have, yes, all 62 dollars and 42 cents, that lobster is just not as tasty when unemployment hovers around 9%, so worry not Mr. Trump. Nevermind that all that laughter (of which you were the source), you just keep fighting the good fight. Or at least keep fighting until your poll numbers drop like they are hot. And even though he could have faced it stoically and save face with a "Hey, I tried but no dice...", he had to come out and give everyone even more ammo to keep making fun of him. Again, I quote what lies beneath the wavy sea of gold hair:
"After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heartedly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector."

In case the stench of desperation to avoid facing his failure is too subtle for you, then let me give you another analogy: this is like getting your ass kicked after trying to pick a fight, and then claiming that you wanted to make the other guy feel good about himself. by letting him win. I call bullshit and like toothpaste at the grocery store, I just don't buy it. Gentlecavemen, his excuse on why he won't run is actually longer, but that was pretty much the gist of it. And truth be told although I guess I'm glad that by him calling it quits, because it makes the whole running for president more valid and real, I am kinda bummed that he won't be around anymore. Who will supply me with source material to keep writing and posting? Sarah Palin has been too quiet, so who I say?...

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2011/05/newt_gringich_lays_out_his_pla.html

When a door closes, a window opens...

Caveman, reporting for duty!

Ladies and gentlecavemen,

I just had an epiphany... I have too much free time on my hands, as I find myself for a third time in front of my computer, trying to come up with clever and witty jokes so that all you like me. You like me, right?....

Insecurities aside, I'm actually really enjoying this whole blog writing thing I got going. Since I started writing here, I don't go to sleep full of rage and anger, no more fondling a gun while drinking scotch in my bathtub. I feel better about myself now, and I'm even considering going outside for the first time in 4 years... Truth be told, every time I have a thought that makes me go "Jesus, I am one smart motherfucker", which happens about 47 times a day, I try and save them so I can later on share them with you, my loyal pawns... er.. I mean readers.

So do I do this because my ego knows no bounds or limits? Yes. But also because I ... no, let's be honest, it's because of my ego. But isn't that why everyone goes on facebook, twitter, friendster, xhanga, and furriesdating.com? Isn't it all just an ego display? Take facebook for example; the picture you post is always the subject of hours of self-scrutiny, the quotes you add must reflect who you really are. Come to think of it, your profile is a social CV, where you highlight your major social accomplishments, like that kick-ass 80's themed party, and all documented through pictures and comments.

But here's the kicker, that all this facebook obsession going on and the nonsensical "social network revolution" is empty of any real content. Bear with me here for a second and let's go balls deep into modern physics, a subject we are all familiar and comfortable with, right? I mean we all took modern physics and played Magic: The Gathering during breaks and made the top 10 girl list from school right? Yeah, that's what we all did, all who were cool... right?

In any event, what I want to explain deals with the following. When a particle is observed, in order to predict its position or momentum, you have already altered them, by changing its energy states, and you can only make a prediction through probabilities. If you are still following me and reading this, I will give you a moment to stop and digest all that information. In the meantime I'm gonna go make myself a sandwich. I'll be right back!



Whew! Yes, I look like Charles Bronson, and I usually deal with thugs in my kitchen, but let's get back to the issue I was talking about. I hope at this point you have grasped what I previously explained. This principle applies to social interactions too, and that when pictures of your every move are being displayed and commented on facebook, you are not really yourself, since you will not act naturally. If you are at a party, and people are taking pictures of everything happening, say you having a drink, or talking to someone, those pictures are of you posing, not of you at a party acting naturally and having a good time and hey, let' be honest, looking for someone to hook up with.

So, my little unique particles, next time you go to a party and you see someone taking pictures, grab it and flush it down the toilet so you can all be real and have real fun.

Yes, you probably thought that this blog would be a one-hit wonder, a

if you will, but alas, here I am once again, naked in front of my IBM 486, and ready to rock your sad world through what my fingers have to say.

So I didn't get the million unique visitors that I was expecting, nor did I get the Pulitzer for my truth revealing piece, but you know what? I didn't do this for all the fame, glory and sex that obviously comes when you start writing your thoughts on blogger.com... oh no, my dear sir! Nevermind that I'm in the talks with Google to put online ads for penis enlargement pills, so I can quit my job and live off the ad revenue!! All that matters is that as long as the public eye rests its gaze on the ilk of Sarah Palin, Rand Paul and public morons like Donald Trump, I shall be there, watching, always, ready to strike them down with the mighty hammer of public accountability!! Sleep easily my dear reader, knowing that I shall be looking over you, ready to protect you from comments like "I can see Russia from my backyard!". I am your Batman, in a world full of Jokers.

Now at this point I'm sure you just left to grab a snack, while I write and write and no one is here reading this... so I will just cut to the chase and go to what made me tick. In case you have been living under a rock, and this rock happened to have no Internet or TV or even mailing address, then you must know that Darth Bin Laden has been killed after a squad of deadly ninja marines went to town on his ass. Now everyone is entitled to their own opinion (Yes, I will allow it...) regarding the moral conundrum that his death brings. Was it fair? Was it justice? I don't really know since most of the adjectives thrown around are too "black and white" (or discrete if you are a math nerd) for a situation that I think is just too many shades of gray. However, what really hit me as odd is how some people came up with all sorts of conspiracies regarding the real situation with Osama Bin Laden. Given how the US government has shrouded many details, it's fairly easy to doubt a claim so explosive as "Yea, we wacked Osama". But come on people, we gotta keep it real, or at least sane. All you need to say is "Hey, you know what? I got my doubts, and I need more proof to take what Obama said and accept it as a truth". But to come out and say that he is still alive, or that he has been dead, or that he actually gave up on terrorism a long time ago and that he owns a candy store on Omaha is just too nuts for me. How do you come up with these ideas? Doubt all you want, but to elaborate you own crazy scenarios and then come out and make them public and present them as the truth, without any hard evidence to back it up just feeds this frenzy that Osama's death has created.

What do I think though? Ok, follow me here on this idea, that I know its true, since my cousin told me that it was true, and he is ALWAYS right, like that one time when he told me that if I swallowed a whole nickel I would poo 5 cents! And he was right!!! Anyways, I digress... So here's what I think happened: The marines got to Osama after they saw that he posted on his facebook profile that he finally got that sad cow on FarmVille to go back to his farm. True story.

And that lads is all for now. I must return to my oxygen capsule. Immortality, here I come!!

Hello Internets!!

At first God created light and he saw it was good, then he created all living things and he saw it was good and smiled and gave us the breadth of life... and then he created vodka and karaoke and then he high fived himself. He drank the vodka, he jammed at Livin' on a Prayer, and when he got home all buzzed he went online and created this blog.

Before I even start writing about all the important things I will share with the internets and the world, I must tip my hat and say thank you to my brother from another mother, PostModern Gentleman. Why did I start flirting with the idea of writing and sharing thoughts and sexual fantasies? Because of PMG, a haven of style, menswear, social analysis and all around e-ass-kicking. If you are not too busy looking for illegal software, music and midget porn, then go ahead and check it out. That and also the fact that my ego is the size of an elephant's penis. (They are fairly big. Check it out too, once you are done reading PMG's blog).

So what to expect of this blog? I've spent a lifetime battling what I think is a certain short-sightedness and flat out blindness to what common sense dictates. Yes, this does come out as arrogance. But for chrissake, if I'm writing a blog it's because I am arrogant. However do know that I am always trying to be humble, so I can be finally be perfect. Plus, nothing gets more views and comments than writing provocative thoughts... I believe the coined term is trolling?...

So without further ado... I just watched the White House Correspondents Dinner and it was a all you can laugh buffet. Obama might me a meek little bunny in the White House when it comes to being the President, but Jesus can the man do stand-up comedy! If you haven't watched it, stop reading this, put down the nachos and go on youtube and do yourself a favor.(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9mzJhvC-8E&feature=aso)
Obama pwned The Donald; and yes, Trump jokes are indeed the low hanging fruit, but come on... it's just so easy that the jokes pretty much make themselves up. Add Gary Busey to the mix and you got yourself a slam dunk. I also appreciated the nod (or middle-finger, your call) that he had to Michele Bachmann. However, all knee slapping and tear jerking jokes aside, after watching the whole clip, I was a bit afraid. Afraid. AFRAID!!!

The fact that Obama had to be clear about how the Lion King's intro was just a joke, and that his birth video is actually a cartoon, is not too far fetched. We often need to explain ourselves to the lowest common denominator (don't know the term? Then I'm talking about you), but at some point you have to take a step back and think about this... I mean, seriously... take a deep breath, and then think about it. He had to explain everyone that he REALLY is American, that he is not a cyborg from a muslim future that came to the present to kill democracy and MTV. The US is in the shitter and yet the national discourse revolves around if the President really is a natural born citizen, after the fact that he released what was legally required? My friends, that is lack of common sense, and lack of honesty since we are cloaking the whole birther issue when this issue revolves around Obama being black, about not being an apple pie loving, baseball playing, comic reading American, and instead a multicultural fellow that was born in Hawaii. This exposes how xenophobic some Americans have become, while trying to impose a definition of what a true american really is.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a scary thought. Because then you are a few steps away from a future like Demolition Man, where Taco Bell is the Jean George of the future...

Be Well!!