If you are reading these words, then you are definitely not in heaven. As a matter of fact, you are probably a lot closer to hell, so if you were expecting that your deity of choice would come down from heaven and drag you up there because you made all those tax free contributions to the local church. then:
1) Joke is on you.
2) (Insert your God's name) doesn't think you are special. Sorry!
I am going to try and keep this post fairly short, because I have so much fodder here to write that I could seriously write until the real Rapture happens, which is of course going to happen on May 21st, 2012. I know it because a jellybean that looked like Jesus's right foot was sitting on that day on my calendar, hence I know that God was whispering to me the day when all those who were pious and merciful and donated heavily will go to heaven and party with him. And seriously, if he can turn water to wine, then I want to party with him.
All jokes aside though, I wish some sort of rapture had happen and all the "believers" had left to heaven or hell or even New Jersey, which is hell anyways. This will come out as harsh but hey, I'm a caveman... If you truly believe that the end is coming because some obscure jackass figured out that May 21st will be the doomsday of mankind, out of some equation from the bible... then I don't want you around my rapture-less friend. In order that to believe such a crazy proposition, life and all its complications, shades of grey, and moral conundrums are just too much for you. The shoe doesn't fit, if you will. And that, ladies and cavemen is what the real problem is. When life is just too much for you, and mind you, this encompasses social, economic, morale and whatnot kind of issues, then its when a moron like Harold Camping can do some real damage.
And here is the kicker my fellow wrongdoers... Mr Camping instead of saving face and calling a spade a spade, "Ladies and Gents, I am sorry but I fucked up, I got no clue what Jesus is planning and I pulled that doomsday date out my apocalyptic ass". And yet, like every other clown out there he tries to come out on top, saying that Rapture actually did happen, but in a spiritual way... Yeah, OK buddy. Hey, not it's fine! Let's try best out of three! Oh no, wait... this is your second chance. Well, errr... third one is the charm?
And to add insult to ends-of-days injury, the parent company, Family Radio, asked for an extension past Rapture to pay back its taxes... in case your brains have exploded, then please take a moment to pick them up. In case your brain didn't explode, then your tolerance for hypocrisy and lack of moral accountability is outstanding, borderline nonsensical. Keep in mind that all this apocalypse fiasco has been commented by a post-apocalypse caveman... so what I have in stake here is pretty damn big. I had a chance to own premium blogspot property!
So what should you in these days of troubled times and non-accurate predictions of mankind extinction? Well its easy all you need to do is... wait hold on, someone is knocking on my door...
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Sorry guys, it's Jesus. Apparently Rapture IS happening. And I got a golden ticket!!! So, to all you heathens, burn in hell!!!! And please keep visiting this blog after I get to heaven.
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